The One Thing Any Couple Can Do for Better Connection and Intimacy
If love were enough, all couples would be happy. The simple truth is relationships take work.
Most of us are willing to spend hours perfecting a skill or talent, yet we expect ourselves to be Masters of Relationships with little effort.
One of the first things I ask my clients is whether or not they’re willing to do the work to improve their relationship with their partner. Almost anything is possible when both people are committed to change.
My favorite tool in the Gottman toolkit is a simple exercise that rekindles the romance and connection necessary to get a marriage back on track.
This exercise worked wonders for Sandra and David. When they first came to see me, their number one complaint was feeling like “they didn’t know each other anymore.”
After being married for ten years and having three children, their marriage had undergone some serious changes. Their lives were hectic. David worked long hours and Sandra, who stayed at home with the children, was exhausted at the end of the day. There was little time or energy left for their marriage. Over the years they grew apart.
They felt like strangers, not lovers.
Love Maps: a path to connection
In our first session I explained Dr. Gottman’s concept of building “Love Maps.” Simply put, a Love Map is the map we create in our own head of our partner’s inner world – their dreams, hopes, fears, likes, dislikes, and everything else we can gather.
If you’ve ever used Google Maps, you know that having a GPS system is really helpful when navigating a city. In the same vein, we also know that cities are constantly under construction. Try returning to your hometown 10 years later and you’ll discover that the roads have changed and your favorite corner store or restaurant is gone.
Just like a good GPS system must be constantly updated to work properly, we must also update our Love Maps of our partner if we want to continue to feel connected throughout the course of our relationship. In fact, Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that couples with detailed Love Maps have stronger relationships.
Build a Love Map of your partner
To enhance your Love Maps, first make a list of some facts you know about your partner. I don’t mean age, height, or weight, but the meatier stuff: their hopes, dreams, likes, and dislikes.
These could be facts such as:
I know the name my partner’s best friends.
I know what stresses my partner is currently facing.
I know my partner’s basic philosophy on life.
Take the Love Map Questionnaire to get an idea of how well you know your partner’s inner world.
From that list, create a list of questions you don’t know about your partner. Ask your partner to do the same.
When you’re both finished, talk about your Love Maps.
How up-to-date are they?
What’s changed?
Are there any surprises?
Be sure to ask and answer the questions on both your lists. Remember: no judgment. The purpose of this exercise is to reestablish a connection, not to blame your partner for what he/she doesn’t know.
In my work with Sandra and David, building Love Maps helped them learn new information about each other that brought them closer together. Once reconnected, they were able to more easily understand each other. When they both felt heard, understood and loved, their issues no longer seemed so difficult to deal with and were soon resolved.
If building a Love Map seems like taking the long way toward resolving your relationship issues, consider this: when we’re stuck in traffic and the most direct route isn’t working, taking the back roads is usually faster, more scenic, and ultimately gets us where we want to go.
With a little work and a willingness to learn a new skill, Sandra and David put their relationship back on track. You can do it, too.
So, if you’re looking to put your relationship back on track.. Call me on 0212689842 for a free consultation
Poll: Do you think NZ should ban social media for youth?
The Australian Prime Minister has expressed plans to ban social media use for children.
This would make it illegal for under 16-year-olds to have accounts on platforms including TikTok, Instagram, Facebook and X.
Social media platforms would be tasked with ensuring children have no access (under-age children and their parents wouldn’t be penalised for breaching the age limit)
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Do you think NZ should follow suit? Vote in our poll and share your thoughts below.
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85.1% Yes
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13.9% No
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1.1% Other - I'll share below
What's your favourite recipe for courgettes?
Kia ora neighbours. If you've got a family recipe for courgettes, we'd love to see it and maybe publish it in our magazine. Send your recipe to mailbox@nzgardener.co.nz, and if we use it in the mag, you will receive a free copy of our January 2025 issue.
scumbags
There are some really awful people around at the moment. This is what happened on Sunday.
We live in Hinemoa Street opposite the Waiwhetu Stream. At around 3.40 in the afternoon I was looking out my window and saw a car pull up and start to feed the geese and ducks out the window. Then The passenger an asian man jumped out and threw himself onto a goose. he picked it up and put it the boot of the car.
I immediately ran over and stood in front of his car to stop him moving I also called my husband to help. A lovely man was riding his bike and saw it and stopped to help me. The driver tried to drive into me but I didnt move. He tried telling us it was his pet. These are wild geese.
They had a cage in the boot and some wire all ready to catch the poor bird like they have done it before. My husband took the bird from the car and released it. I then moved out of the way and after lots of abuse from the driver they drove off threatening to come back and get more.
No one should be allowed to take these beautiful birds and certainly not like this. they are all starting to have wee babies at the moment the whole thing was so upsetting to me. Another neighbour further down the road also saw it all happen.
Please keep a look out for this car and if you see them by the stream go over and watch them lets all stop this happening.